Some time ago, a young woman in my congregation—solid spiritually, someone in whom I had real confidence—started dating an unbeliever. I didn’t see it coming, and when I went looking for a resource that spoke plainly to her situation, I couldn’t find what I needed. After consulting with a publisher with which I had previously worked, I ended up writing the book I was looking for.
Initially, I wrote for single women, but the readership has turned out to be broader than expected. A number of fathers have been in touch to say they’ve been reading it with their sons—not wanting their boys to become the kind of man the book warns against. Others have read it with their daughters in the final year of high school, as preparation for navigating relationships during the college years. It’s turned out to be a resource for families as much as for individuals.
Ten Cautionary Profiles
The book works through ten character profiles—types of men who, for one reason or another, are not good candidates for marriage. Here’s a brief sketch of each.
The control freak. This man is jealous of your time and attention. He’ll text you when you’re with your friends, wanting to know where you are and when you’ll be back. He doesn’t want you giving your time or energy to anyone else. It starts as a red flag, and it tends to get worse.
The promiscuous guy. Scripture is clear that sex belongs within marriage. This is the man who doesn’t respect that boundary, which is really a double failure. He’s not respecting God’s authority, and he’s not respecting you.
The unchurched guy. You meet him somewhere other than church. He’s personable and seems kind. But when you ask whether he goes to church, the answer is something like, “I used to when I was growing up. Maybe at Christmas or Easter.” He might be willing to come along with you, but it’s not something he’d pursue on his own.
The new convert. He’s genuinely born again, but recently so. The concern here isn’t his salvation but his maturity. There are real difficulties in building a life with someone who is still finding their feet in the faith.
The unbeliever. This is the profile that originally prompted the book. He doesn’t know God, doesn’t trust Christ, and has no interest in doing so. The distinction between him and the unchurched guy is one of degree: The unchurched man might come with you to church; the unbeliever isn’t even open to it.
The angry man. Anger, in itself, isn’t always wrong. There is such a thing as righteous anger, but most of our anger is unrighteous. The angry man lets his sense of injustice dominate everything around him, and it affects the relationship.
The lone ranger. He has few meaningful relationships and prefers to keep it that way. This is a person who will struggle to build the kind of shared life that marriage requires.
The commitment-phobic man. You can invest significant time in a relationship with this man, but he will never make the final commitment. If you raise the subject of marriage after a long period of dating, he’ll panic.
The passive man. Passivity is the organising principle of his life. You see it in small things—“Where do you want to go?” “You decide.”—and in larger ones. If he loses his job, he takes an age to look for another one, and makes little effort when he does. In marriage, that passivity will show up in how he engages (or doesn’t) with his children, with the church, with the neighbours.
The unteachable man. Pride runs all the way through this one. If he can’t receive correction or instruction now, he won’t receive it in marriage. When the elders get involved—as they sometimes must—he’ll show up for the meeting and then ignore everything that was said the moment he walks out of the door.
A Word to Men
For any man who recognises himself in one of those profiles, repent of whatever sin is giving that characteristic its power. These profiles aren’t meant to be exhaustive descriptions of any person. People are more complex than that. But if one of these patterns dominates in your life, that’s worth taking seriously before God.
Where to Look
The obvious starting point is your local church. The men there have already made a choice to gather with God’s people and sit under God’s word. That’s not nothing. It’s not a sufficient qualification on its own, but it’s the right place to begin.
Church membership is a particularly useful marker. The elders of a church have already looked at a member and, through the membership process, affirmed that there is credible evidence of regeneration. That’s a checkmark someone has done some of the work for you. That said, not every member is equally ready: Some are younger in the faith and still need to grow. That is why it’s worth talking to your elders and to mature Christians around you, who can give you a clearer view of where someone actually is in their walk with the Lord.
Don’t Do This Alone
One of the strongest threads running through the conversation is this: Dating is not meant to be a private, two-person adventure. It’s meant to happen in community. Titus 2 envisions older men and women of the faith mentoring younger believers in every area of life, including relationships.
There is black and white in dating. The most important question is simply whether you are considering marrying a Christian or not. But there is also a great deal of grey: career, location, church, the judgement of someone else’s character. And in the grey areas, you have blind spots. The fall has seen to that. Having other people see into your relationship gives you a level of confidence, when you reach the altar, that goes beyond your own assessment. You can say, not just “I believe this is right,” but, “Others who know us well believe it too.”
A minister friend, when he officiates weddings, replaces the traditional “speak now or forever holds your peace” formula with something quite different. Instead of inviting objections, he calls on the gathered congregation to commit—by their presence—to support the couple through the years ahead. That’s a moving moment. But that kind of community investment shouldn’t begin on the wedding day. It should begin around the second or third date.
More broadly, older Christians and established couples need to be more proactive about getting involved in the lives of singles. Singles shouldn’t have to hack their way through this jungle alone—they should be doing it with people who have been there before, who can help them see clearly, and who will be invested in the outcome.
Making Yourself Known
On a practical level, be deliberate about letting people know you’re open to a relationship. You don’t need to throw yourself at someone, but you can shake the leaves a little. There’s a spectrum here. At one end is the person who flirts indiscriminately, which isn’t healthy. At the other end is the evangelical paranoid—so worried about giving the wrong impression or getting too emotionally entangled that they end up being cold in a way that doesn’t help anyone. The healthy middle ground is simply friendship. Men and women can have warm, genuine friendships across gender, which is a natural foundation from which something more can develop.
And pray. Pray specifically for the members of your church, by name if you can. A church directory prayed through systematically does something to your heart. It builds awareness of the people around you and creates the kind of attentiveness that God can use.